Setting a Goal to Keep Insight

What we vividly imagine, ardently desire, enthusiastically act upon, must inevitably come to pass."
- Colin P. Sisson

When I started this whole get healthy thing I was literally sitting in a hospital bed, trying to get over hernia surgery. I should have been back on my feet in no time but I wasn't. I got a massive infection and the only explanation the adorable doctor with the Russian accent told me is, "You are too big and we don't know where it is to fix it." Well then. If that isn't being told, I don't know what is.

On that day of my life I weighed 268lbs. I wore a size 3x shirt. I squeezed into size 24 pants because I refused to admit I needed a 26. I was in rough shape, but if you looked me in the face, I would have told you there was NOTHING wrong with me. I honestly believe I suffered from body dismorphia - in reverse. Instead of being the tiny person seeing someone much larger in the mirror, I didn't see me as morbidly obese. I saw me as just fine. And good for me really. To walk around confident and happy with myself at that weight, in those clothes, and winded at the top of any flight of stairs I dared to climb was really something. I hope I am always that confident.

Since that day, as you know if you have been reading my blog, I joined the gym and Weight Watchers and I have made tremendous progress. I have lost 66lbs since December 1. But along the way I have managed to stick to my Weight Watchers Points Program extremely well. It's manageable. It's not terrible. It works. I will take it.

However, I did slack off going to the gym. And I don't mean I went less. I mean, when I went to Las Vegas in March I went to the gym, first thing in the morning, every morning before venturing out of the hotel. I lost almost 3lbs in Vegas - and I didn't deprive myself of fun. I just made good choices. But for some reason when I got back, I just stopped going to the gym. It's not fun. I don't like to sweat. The treadmill is mindnumbingly boring to me. I.JUST.DON'T.LIKE.IT.

But I have still lost weight. Not as quickly and not as consistently as I had been. So last week, after my weigh in, I had a big think for myself. What was different?

Well, for starters, I have a goal. A big one. I want to lose 134lbs. That would make me 134lbs at my goal weight - exactly half my starting weight. Not bad. Maybe a little lofty, but totally doable.

But what I had stopped doing along the way was setting little goals. When I started reaching ones I had set, like 25lbs, 50lbs, fitting into a North Face coat, walking Signal Hill (and living to talk about it), I didn't set new ones. So I have been moseying along, on the path to get to 134lbs without any little goals along the way. I guess it would be like driving from Newfoundland to British Columbia without looking at anything else - or stopping to Pee.

So I made a new set of goals. To get to the gym or do some other sort of meaningful exercise 5 days a week.  And to lose an additional 20lbs by December 1. The one year anniversary of my surgery and wake up call. 19lbs gone would give me 85lbs gone in a year - 20 gone will be 85lbs and a little gravy!

Doing it won't be easy, which is why I am posting it here. It's easy to make a goal and tuck it into your pocket. It's another to make a goal, and put it on the internet for all the world who is interested in seeing it to see. Today was a stressful day (and family I love you but please don't call me to ask what's stressful. I am busy. Kids are busy. Business is busy. Life is busy. It's just stress and it will dissipate - or it won't and that's ok too). It was so stressful that this emotional eater might have run someone over with her car to get to a cupcake. Or McDonalds. Or anything really. But I had to have a firm talking to with myself and said "Self, there is NOTHING you can put aboard of you that will make anything run smoother. You will not ever be one cupcake closer to 85lbs lost, not ever, so just knock it off and keep on."

It worked.

After dance class I let Bridget have a Happy Meal as a treat. On the way home Jamie wanted Mary Browns. I got through 2 different drive through windows and came home to cook and eat chicken, broccoli, mushrooms, peppers and a little lime juice with a bunch of garlic. Oh yes. I did. Really... I couldn't be any prouder of myself. If I didn't have that 20lb goal, I might have just said, "Sure!" to any of those things today. I will eventually get to 134lbs so one bad meal among many won't hurt. But having a solid, quantifiable goal with the a firm deadline motivated me to NOT have those things I wanted.

And do you know what? That totally clean 4 Points Plus supper I ate was absolutely delicious and as I drink my herbal tea I am totally satisfied and so proud of myself for making a goal and doing my very best to work toward it.

Fixing the Slashed Tires

Life has been incredibly busy lately. It's the middle of wedding season, it's family portrait season, Bridget started Kindergarten, and my sister's baby shower is days away. There is lots going on and keeping my goals in site has been a struggle. It's hard to admit, but doing it all isn't always possible. In those moments, it's important to do the best we can, with what we have at the moment.

Three weeks ago, on a Friday, I didn't have time to track what I ate for breakfast, and that carried over to lunch. Supper came next, which wasn't tracked. The next day was the same thing. The weekend didn't get any less busy, and come Monday, I said 'Shag it, I wills start fresh on Thursday when I weigh in'. So for the rest of the week, I ate everything I saw. Everything I thought of. It didn't matter the distance, I would go get it. I was already destined for a gain that week - I might as well make it worth while.

Well let me tell you, doing that was not dissimilar to slashing your other three tires when you wake up to discover you have one flat. It doesn't fix the first tire, and only makes the disaster harder to fix. It's not a logical way to do things. It's not healthy or smart. It was however, easy, comforting and only mildly delicious.

On August 29, I walked into my Weight Watchers meeting and stood on the scale. Immediately the receptionist in charge of the scale said "Did you eat something salty?"

I imagine she was trying to help me find an excuse for what happened. I knew what happened. I ate 3.6 pounds worth of salty, sugary, processed junk and it showed up on the scale. I ate it in private, and it was showing up in public.

I stood at the scales and it was a crossroads. The previous week had been much easier. There was no planning involved. I got to eat what I wanted. I could have just gone home and continued. Instead I walked into my meeting to pay the piper. I admitted out loud how I had gone off the rails, what I had done, what I had eaten and why I had done it. Food is the most cruel addiction. You need it to live. You can't avoid it. You have to find it, buy it, store it, prepare it and clean up after it. Then you do it all about 4 hours later.

There is a huge group of people who have supported me through this. I text every one of them, ever single Thursday morning to tell them how I did. I didn't want to send any messages that Thursday. But I did. If I didn't do it, I would give up and not get on with my journey. I would revert back to the old me and gain back every ounce and more. I know the old me. She's still a part of me, but sometimes we do battle and I have to not let her win.

I vowed that the following week I would be better. And I was. I didn't track but I kept in line. I didn't eat nearly as bad and I tried to be sensible every day. I lost half of a pound last Thursday. It was only a tiny loss, but I had to keep in mind that my body doesn't know what Thursday morning is. I was probably still processing all of the foolishness I had consumed the week before. However, a loss is a loss, and I was happy to have it. It meant I was back in control.

I swore to myself I would track the following week. And I did. I tracked like it was my job. I tracked like my life depended on it. I tracked like if I didn't, all of the weight I had lost would come join my stomach again and I wouldn't have a pair of pants to wear. To keep myself motivated I took a before and after photo of myself and kept it on my phone. Whenever I was tempted to eat something I knew was not a good idea, I looked back at the photo. Keep in mind, I love those 2 photos on the top of myself. I felt pretty and good in both those outfits. The one on the right is on my bedside table (with the rest of the family and without my companies watermark of course!). Those aren't photos I picked because I looked terrible by comparison. The ones on bottom were taken 3 weeks ago - just before I fell off the wagon.

I just got home from my weigh-in. I am happy to report the fastidious tracking was well worth it. I was down 3.5 pounds. I am 1.2 lbs away from the halfway mark of my goal (which is 134 pounds in case you haven't read about it). I have lost 65.8 pounds. In 2.7 pounds the number on the scale will indicate that I weigh less than 200 pounds for the first time that I ever knew about. I weighed in 200lbs in high school. This is uncharted water for me!

I love 5lb milestones, so having hit 65lbs was a big deal today!

How are you doing with your journey?

xo,
Amy